Every morning he followed a routine. He would lie down on his back, bind a dictionary to his head with duct tape, and perform 2300 sit-ups. Six-pack? He had an entire case. He let his fingers move softly over the hard ripples, scrunching them up and down. To his right was a box of Lucky Charms next to a mini-fridge. He poured milk and cereal into the crevices and valleys of his well-defined abs and ate hurriedly from his stomach.
Something was going on.
He could smell it.
He wasted a bit of time examining himself in the mirror. His smooth golden skin stretched taut over muscles and tendons in high relief, like a suspension bridge of flesh or the US Pavilion erected exclusively for the 1974 World’s Fair in Spokane, Washington, about 320 miles west of Seattle, near the Idaho border. He flicked his left nipple softly with a thumb to make it erect and thus symmetrical with the right. And, of course, it felt good. Turning and flexing, standing sideways and doing some pelvic thrusts to w…


Things I don’t do never get done.


Buffets get me as excited as R. Kelly at the Kid’s Choice Awards.


Some of my best friends are in bands I hate.


People never know if I’m dead or not so I decided to make a quick appearance at the show. The glitternazis were out in full form, acting like they hadn’t seen me arrive and admirably stayed in character all night by ignoring me completely. It took a long time to get a drink even thought the bartender kept looking at me. My friends kept acting like they didn’t know me and would whisper something in his ear and then she’d look at me and laugh so I smiled back and waved.
I looked around the smoke-free room at all the people who probably wouldn’t fuck me and drank a warm half glass of beer somebody left on the bar.
The guy sitting next to me still hadn’t turned around or taken a break from his rapt attention to the band so I drank his beer, too.
The band seemed to have come equipped with a bunch of the same song played different ways. They were just okay, though they had some good musician sex faces. Nobody in the crowd seemed all that worked up, either, except the one guy who started lo…


I want to be on the Coast Guard, burn drugs in a bonfire, and then stand really close.