Showing posts from June, 2004


Things I don’t do never get done.


Buffets get me as excited as R. Kelly at the Kid’s Choice Awards.


Some of my best friends are in bands I hate.


People never know if I’m dead or not so I decided to make a quick appearance at the show. The glitternazis were out in full form, acting like they hadn’t seen me arrive and admirably stayed in character all night by ignoring me completely. It took a long time to get a drink even thought the bartender kept looking at me. My friends kept acting like they didn’t know me and would whisper something in his ear and then she’d look at me and laugh so I smiled back and waved.
I looked around the smoke-free room at all the people who probably wouldn’t fuck me and drank a warm half glass of beer somebody left on the bar.
The guy sitting next to me still hadn’t turned around or taken a break from his rapt attention to the band so I drank his beer, too.
The band seemed to have come equipped with a bunch of the same song played different ways. They were just okay, though they had some good musician sex faces. Nobody in the crowd seemed all that worked up, either, except the one guy who started lo…


I want to be on the Coast Guard, burn drugs in a bonfire, and then stand really close.


I think it all started way way back when we lived in the country and burned our trash in an outdoor incinerator.
I would toss aerosal cans in the inferno and dive behind the garage.
My father would question me sternly on how bits of metal shrapnel came to be embedded in our garage door.
One day I thought I should learn how to smoke since it was supposed to make you look so grownup and attractive.
I filled a cardboard toilet paper roll with wads of Kleenex and PopTart boxes, lit it up, and inhaled deeply.
I must have swallowed a foot of flame.
I fell on my back for about twenty minutes wondering why I'd never noticed the earth's spinning rotation before.


Drive some soup.
Heckle the sunset.
Imagine my mother dancing.
Galaxy sit-ups.


The dead body didn’t move. It just laid there.
A cell phone in its pocket began to ring.


In Sonora, Mexico, at an altitude of 7,000 feet, archeologists discovered a lost city of bee-hive shaped huts filled with nine-foot tall mummies dressed in saffron robes emblazoned with blue pyramids and white dots representing the Mayan time-cycle of 25.000 years.